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After not getting to it for a few days, the shop finally got to putting in the new water pump and belt, but there was zero compression. He already checked, and these motors aren't supposed to be interference motors. The mechanic is thinking bad valves, but I'll be going there tomorrow morning to see about pulling it apart and taking a look at what's going on.
Any ideas? I'm stranded without this car and can't even get to work.
EDIT: ... You know, it's probably something stupid simple, like the cam timing being 180* off.